“Not here.”
“Oh?” I bite into my thumbnail.
“It’s a very small space, Serena, and you are . . . Your scent destroys my focus. It’s better if we’re not too alone.”
He leads me to the green area behind the building, past the playhouse that must have been installed for Sem’s youngest patients. The breeze is lovely in my hair. I force myself to enjoy the fresh air, the faint scents of salt and moss, and not to dwell on the fact that the conversation about to happen is a losing game. By my side, Koen is silent. I pick a white bench that’s still covered in droplets of dew and point at the spot next to me, but Koen ignores it. Instead he stands, back to the east, the rising sun a halo around his head.
He is so handsome, I have to close my eyes against it.
And I like him so much, I’m going to have to close my heart, too.
But not yet.
“Can I . . . Is it okay if I start?” I ask. “I don’t want to . . . It’s important to me that I get to say this.”
In lieu of a reply, he drops down. Crouches till we’re eye to eye. And . . .
I really am absolutely gone over this man. Fully, irreparably lost.
“Two nights ago, and maybe even last night . . . I feel like I pressured you. I put you in the position of having to take care of me. Forced you to break a promise you made to your pack. And . . .”
“Serena.” He sighs. “You think I didn’t want it?”
“The thing is, I grew up with very little control of my life, of my choices, of my body, and maybe because of that, I’ve thought about things like consent and agency a lot. And . . .”
“I grew up sure that one day I would become Alpha, surrounded by people who knew that, too. I also thought about consent and agency. You understand what that meant for me, right? Knowing that the kids I played with felt a pull to do as I ordered? That any girl I wanted to ask out might feel a strong urge to say yes, just to make me happy?” I nod, and he continues. “I get where you’re coming from, Serena. But we are Weres. A different species, with different customs. Consent is a value we always uphold, but you’re my mate, and you were approaching Heat, which is a Were biological state that has no parallels in Human society. It’s more complicated and nuanced than any theoretical scenario you thought through as a Human. So give yourself some grace.” The corner of his mouth twitches. “Maybe it’ll give me permission to grab some for myself, too.”
“You never did anything wrong, though. I wanted you to . . . I needed you.”
“And I could have walked away at any moment, but I stayed. And . . . come on, killer. There was no need for me to do half of what I did. I had a choice, and I made it.”
I want to hang my head. Close my eyes. I want to forget what he said last night, pretend I don’t remember, but it feels so cruel. To leave him alone to deal with all this . . .
This.
The burden should fall on both of us.
“It’s not fair. That they won’t allow you to- ” Fall in love. Have a family. A chance at happiness. A chance with me. “It’s inhumane.”
“Maybe it is.” He smiles, a little lopsided, like he has made peace with this. “But we are not Human.” He stands, and I can no longer see his expression well. Which, I suspect, is precisely the way he wants it. Because after a pause in which he doesn’t take his eyes off me, he says, “My mother was the previous Alpha of the Northwest. And my father was her mate.”
My heart is in my throat. This is why he asked to talk. What he meant to tell me. So I fist my hands around the edge of the bench and listen.
“They met young. Teens. They said they knew it immediately, which I was always skeptical about. It was hard to imagine that you could find a person, and they’d instantly become everything. That they’d take up all the space inside you and leave no room for doubt. Of course, now . . .” He shrugs. Reaches forward to free a strand of hair stuck to my lips. “I’ve changed my mind. But . . . Well, their bond was mutual. They paired up, were ready for a life together- until the previous Alpha of the Northwest, who’d been a great leader for several decades, lost a challenge to some twenty-year-old piece of shit.
“Highly dominant Weres tend to have other traits, too. Not just strength, but also calm under duress, integrity, empathy. The new Alpha did not, and all of a sudden, the head of the pack was a jackass who couldn’t be trusted with slicing a meatloaf, let alone deciding how to maximize resource allocation. Everyone was scared shitless. So, about two weeks into his leadership, my mother took him in the challenge and saved the day. Except, she happened to be pregnant. With me.”
I clench my teeth. “Was she allowed to . . . ?”
He shakes his head. “They call it ‘the celibacy covenant,’ but it’s a misnomer. It puts all the focus on the sex, when what’s really forbidden to Alphas is to form bonds that might interfere with their ability to serve the pack. An Alpha’s decisions should always benefit the Northwest. An Alpha’s family could serve as a tool of manipulation. Therefore, an Alpha shouldn’t have one.”
“But what about an Alpha’s siblings? Those bonds can be just as strong. What about parents, or friends? What about platonic relationships, or- “
“Believe me, I know. It’s old-fashioned, flawed reasoning, and that’s why most packs did away with it a while ago. But the Northwest had no reason to worry about it for decades after most packs began having these discussions. My mother was the moment of reckoning. The huddles didn’t stand for it. Became independent. But we didn’t close the borders. Socially, we were still one pack, even as each huddle leader made their own decisions. But we wouldn’t always share information. And we had different perceptions of what constituted a threat. And that’s where things started to go wrong.
“I was born. About five years later, my sister was born, Anki- she lives with her mate in the south.” His mouth twitches. “My parents figured that if one of us was going to inherit all those Alpha traits, it would be her. But she took after my dad, who was a musician with no interest in pack leadership. And when it became obvious that I was likely to be the next Alpha, they were relieved. My mother was beloved, and I would take over when she was ready to step down. No need for challenges. The shit Lowe went through with Roscoe? I didn’t have to worry about that. Until the cult, at least. Because Constantine was out there, taking advantage of fools, promising them they’d run with the wolves, and . . .” He snorts. “Only Humans would believe this shit. No offense.”
“None taken. Well, some taken.”
He doesn’t smile. “Constantine was intelligent. And greedy. And as the cult grew and he kept making promises that he couldn’t keep, he decided that what he and his followers needed was an enemy, and maybe a kingdom that was their due but had been wrongfully taken from them. He told his followers that as soon as they took back their birthright, they would become all-powerful, immortal Weres.”
I’m starting to feel nauseous. “Was that kingdom the Northwest?”
“And the villain, my mother.” He runs a hand through his hair, and the movement angles his face just so, enough for me to see his expression. I was sure he would look angry, and he does. I didn’t expect so much sadness. “The details aren’t important. But Constantine and his followers exploited the lack of communication between the core and the peripheral huddles. They killed my mother and made sure that the pack knew it was under threat. When the adults in the pack gathered to discuss how to react, Constantine carried out a series of coordinated attacks that wiped out all our leadership and most of our adult members.
Thousands of people died. And . . . we just had to step up. Amanda, Saul, Jorma, Brenna, me- hundreds of us. We didn’t even have a chance to mourn our families. There was a power vacuum, and the cult was trying to use it to take over, and we had to react quickly. Those are some pretty fucked- up memories for a bunch of teens to have to carry. But when I’m about to fall asleep at night, that’s not what I think about.” He swallows. “You know what is, Serena?”
I wish I didn’t. All I want is to have come to the wrong conclusion. “What your mother did.”
He nods, and it breaks my heart. “They used my father to lure her out. And even though everyone told her it was a trap, even though her seconds were forming a plan, the idea of my father suffering was so untenable, she refused to wait. And honestly?” He squats down again. Locks eyes with me, so that there is no misunderstanding him. “Now that I’m in the same position, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t do the same.”
And this is how it all fits together. This is the crux of the issue, and why I can finally make sense of it all.
To Koen, the covenant is not something that’s been imposed by the huddle leaders- an arbitrary, unjust restraint. To him, it’s a guarantee that history won’t repeat itself. And that guarantee has never mattered more than it does now, with the cult threatening the Northwest once again.
And the last thing I want is to ask him to make an impossible choice.
So I reach out. Run my hand through his hair, trying not to sigh at the way he leans into it, like my skin is his North Star. “You know me as a liar, but . . .” Laughter bubbles out of me, sticky. “Can I try honesty? For once?”
He nods, patient, open, in the morning air, like he rarely is. Making it so easy.
“I like you more than anyone I’ve met since Misery. And when I’m with you, I feel . . . a little less like half of two things, and a little more whole. And when you touch me, it feels right. So right that I forget it’s wrong. I forget that you’re the heart of this pack. I forget that thousands of people rely on you, and that every moment I spend with you, I’m taking something away from them.” I manage a labored gulp. My throat is tight and dry. “So this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to walk in there and take the drugs Layla gives me. This Heat won’t happen. And as soon as the issues with the Vampyre council are officially over and Ana is safe, which will be any day now . . . I’ll go back to the Southwest, where I won’t be keeping you from the people who need you. And you and I . . . we’ll make sure to avoid each other in the next few decades. Won’t we?”
Koen doesn’t nod, but I smell his assent. His head bends for a long, silent moment. When he looks up, his eyes are emptier than the space between the ocean and the cliffs.
And all he says is “Layla is waiting for you. You should go.”
It’s odd, what her absence does to him. She is missing, but she fills and floods every part of his life.
IGIVE MYSELF A FEW MINUTES TO CRY IT OUT, THEN HEAD FOR my appointment.
Saul is leaning against his car, laughing with a young blond woman I have yet to meet. When she notices me, her eyes double in size, the
Is that the halfling? expression that I’ve grown accustomed to. “Give me a sec, Jess,” he says, and jogs up to me.
“Koen left,” I tell him. “I’m going to head in and talk to Layla.”
“Okey-doke.” The corners of his eyes crease with concern. I don’t need a mirror to know that mine are red rimmed, but Saul saw me disappear behind the building with Koen and has enough pieces to put together an exhaustive picture. “Do you know how long it’ll take?”
“Not sure.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll be here, waiting. And hey, maybe later . . .” He leans forward. Winks at me in a conspiratorial way that has me bracing for what’s to come. I don’t know if I can deal with Saul now- his compassion, his kindness, his terrible music. Where is Brenna when I want to be bitch-slapped back to my senses by an expert?
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