“Fine, you can be creepy as long as you keep bringing me caffeine,” I say before taking a sip. of the freshly brewed coffee. “What time is it?”
“Almost seven. Jax is still sleeping.
I nod. “Where is everyone?”
“Ryder went to grab a few hours of sleep. Parker is out on patrol, and Remy is… I don’t know where he is,” he sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I assume it didn’t go well with him last night then?”
“Not really, no,” he shakes his head and moves to sit beside me. “He’s just so pigheaded. It’s like he hates himself and thinks he doesn’t deserve a chance at happiness. He’s always been this way. but I thought he was getting better, that he had started to believe he was worthy of being loved.”
“Tell me about him,” I say quietly, not just because I want to understand Remy better, but because I feel like Callen needs to talk this through with someone willing to listen.
Callen leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, eyes locked on the floor like the answers might be hiding in the grain of the wooden floorboards. “He’s the kind of person who’ll bleed out before asking for help. Always has been. Even when he was a kid, Parker said he’d take the fall for things others did, just so no one else got punished. The other kids took advantage of him for it, even turned cruel. He’d come home bruised and bloody, and say he’d fallen, but Parker knew it was a lie. They joke about it now, but I still see the pain there. He’s still so guarded around most people.”
I sip the coffee slowly, letting his words sink in. It’s hard to picture that version of Remy, but it fits with how he is now. My heart aches for the younger version of him, at the thought of his childhood without his parents to protect him. I can’t stop my imagination from conjuring up images of something like that happening to Jaxon, and that almost breaks me.
“Why didn’t anyone put a stop to it?” I ask.
“There wasn’t really anyone who could. You have to remember that Ronnie was basically raising a pack of kids alone. He thought the older kids were looking after the younger ones, but they were all just damaged kids that didn’t know what they were doing. Ronnie patrolled alone to keep them safe from outside danger and made sure they were clothed and fed, but he didn’t know what happened when he wasn’t around. He was one man playing alpha, beta, enforcer, and father.”
“It had to be so hard for everyone to move on like that, with so much loss. Ronnie did well to raise all those kids alone.”
“Remy is a good guy, Paige,” Callen continues, softer now. “He’s just terrified of feeling too much. Of letting someone in and then losing them. He hides behind sarcasm and anger, but underneath it all? He feels everything way too deeply, and I think the bond between me and you, and now you and him, scares the hell out of him.”
I glance over at Callen, my chest tightening further. I swallow hard, guilt creeping in even though I’ve done nothing wrong. “He looks at me like he can’t stand me sometimes.”
Callen shakes his head. “No, he looks at you like he can’t afford to want you. He’s trying to protect himself, and probably you too, in his own messed-up way. He doesn’t hate you, Paige. He hates that he wants something he doesn’t believe he’s allowed to have.”
I stare into my coffee, unsure what to say to that, but suddenly, I don’t feel quite so frustrated at Remy anymore. Just… sad for him, and maybe a little curious about the man he keeps buried beneath the walls he’s built.
“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask. “Because I can’t tiptoe around him for the rest of my life. If this is going to work with any of us, Remy needs to be on board too.”
“For now, nothing. Let him work through his own sh*t. When he’s ready, he’ll come home, and then we’ll show him. We let him see you’re here to stay and that you’re not here to take anything from him, or hurt anyone.”
“Okay.” I sigh. “I can’t say I’m entirely happy with this plan, because I don’t think I should have to prove myself to anyone, but if this is how we move forward, then I’ll try it your way.”
Callen shifts beside me, suddenly looking uncomfortable. When he speaks, he seems hesitant, nervous even. “There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, because we never really clarified any boundaries. I know all this is new, this idea of sharing, and that what you saw between me and Remy confused you. I wanted to see if you were actually okay with it, though. If you are okay with me and Remy being together.”
I blow out a breath and lean back against the back of the couch, watching Callen as he bounces one leg. How do I answer this?
Am I okay with him and Remy having a romantic relationship?
Would it even be fair to say no when I have four mates?
Do I have a right to tell them no when I’m the one coming into an already-established relationship?
There are so many questions, and none of them that I have a simple answer for.
I stare at the half-empty mug in my hands, wishing it had some answers for me or the right words to give Callen. My heart feels tight, tangled up in too many conflicting feelings to make sense of.
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly. “I wish I had a clear answer for you, but I don’t.”
Callen stills, the bounce of his leg stopping mid-motion. I see the tension in his shoulders, the way he braces himself for the worst, and it makes me want to reach out and ease it, but I still don’t know how.
“It’s not that I don’t understand,” I say. “Or that I don’t want you to be happy. I think I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this. You, Remy, Ryder, Parker. This whole new life, and then there’s this history between you and Remy, and the bond between us… it’s a lot. I don’t want to make promises I don’t fully understand yet.”
He nods once. “That’s fair.”
More Flowards
“But,” I continue, and his head lifts slightly, turning to look at me with hope flickering in his eyes. “For now… yes. I think I’m okay with it. I want to be okay with it. I’m just not sure how I’ll feel if Remy ultimately decides he doesn’t want to be part of this group, part of us. If he walks away completely…”
I trail off, unsure how to finish that sentence without accepting the ache that thought brings with it. I might not particularly like Remy right now, but the idea of never getting a chance with him hurts in ways I didn’t expect.
Callen doesn’t push. He doesn’t try to convince me or offer empty reassurances. Instead, he reaches out and lays his hand gently over mine. “If he walks away, we’ll reassess together.”
His words bring a strange sense of peace, and for now, that feels like enough.
“You can’t tell him that, though. I don’t want it to be the reason he gives me a chance,” I add.
Callen nods. “Of course. I wouldn’t want that. When he comes around, and he will, I don’t want you to have any doubts about the reason why.”
We sit there in the quiet, our hands still joined, when the soft thud of footsteps draws our attention to the stairs. Ryder appears at the bottom, shirtless and half-asleep, hair tousled from sleep and his eyes still heavy with exhaustion.
“Well, this is a cosy little scene,” he says, his voice still rough with sleep but warm with amusement as his gaze settles on our joined hands. “You two going to invite me to the coffee party, or should I go back upstairs and pretend I didn’t see anything?”
Callen rolls his eyes but smiles. “There’s a fresh pot in the kitchen. Knock yourself out.”
He walks into the room, picks up Callen’s cup from the coffee table and knocks it back, before leaning over to kiss the top of my head.
“You’re such an ass sometimes, Rye,” Callen huffs.
“Half a tepid cup of coffee is not much to take after the amount of blood I’ve had to give you this week,” Ryder grins, and Cal throws a cushion at him. “Who wants a refill?”
“Thanks.” I hold out my almost empty cup, and he takes it before turning towards the kitchen.
“Where’s Jax?” he asks over his shoulder.
W5
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