He’s in my head, creating dark unhealable holes in my heart and my entire being feels empty and lost without the other half of me to complete it. His kiss has ruined me in so many ways and I replay those moments until I scream in agony and try to push the taste and feel of him out.? I never knew this kind of pain could exist and now I curse the fates for doing this to me. Why they would inflict this kind of uncurable disease, is beyond me. It’s a form of insanity and I am powerless to cure myself, no matter how strong I think I am.
I’m desperate to reach out and link to him, for just one second, to appease my eternal cravings, but as I have heard nothing from him, I’m assuming he too agrees with his father, that for the future of the pack we should have no contact, considering he closed down the head link and I can’t get to him at all. Dreaming about him, smelling his scent on the wind when it blows from the south is driving me crazy and I have no idea how to fix myself while I don’t even know what we are. Held captive, still his mate, yet denied all that goes with it.
The only upside to my turning and finally becoming my true self in all of this, is the physical difference, which shocked me when I finally got home to wash myself free of the grime and blood caking every inch of me. Catching sight in the mirror of the bathroom, it held me still with disbelief as I took myself in slowly and digested the image staring back at me.
The woman before me in the mirror, where a girl once stood, is almost like a stranger to me, yet not. Still Alora in a way, I still recognize myself as me, yet I’m angular, fuller lipped, clearer skinned. My features somehow better without changing too much so I can’t put my finger on the why. My hair’s thicker, fuller, lighter, so that instead of mousy brown, it’s a highlighted caramel with hints of honey, and gorgeous waves. My eyes greener, dazzling almost and my body is toned in places I don’t think I could ever improve on. It enhanced, tweaked, and brought me up to par with the already turned walking around this kingdom. No longer plain; I’m desirable, which brings its own problems.
Males in heat circle me whenever I venture down to the kitchen, or out into the courtyard for air. The orphanage still has many who live under this roof, even after turning, who have no desire to leave. I may have imprinted on a mate, but I bear no mark to solidify a union, therefore I’m mateless in their eyes and available, and I need to watch my back. Not all are bound by pack rules in this new era.
Generally, males treat femmes with respect after turning, but not all. Hormones, lack of a mate, and sometimes undirected testosterone levels, all contribute to rogue males with little consideration of punishment when fueled by a need to have sex. We are primal animals, and sex is in our basic everyday makeup once we turn for the first time. I know I’m already suffering for the cravings to be fulfilled. My body yearning for my mate to join with me, until I feel like I may turn inside out with the internal painful pangs for his body. The annoying part is, that no one else will do and I have zero interest in any kind of instant relief with any other male, or any form of self-pleasure, not that I would know how. It’s not been high on my list of priorities in my life.
I’ve become aware, more than ever now, that I am no longer safe in this home when surrounded by unmated males. A lack of a real pack means a lack of protection, and any kind of consequences for a male who brutally takes what he wants. We live in a cruel world, and as an unwanted no one cares about the rejects. Especially not if one reject attacks and violates another. We have no back up.
It doesn’t matter if every single one of them saw me imprint on Colton; it’s public knowledge Juan is denying the bond and I’ve been sent to dwell here to stay away from his son. They know not to kill or maim me, but messing me up a little, doing unspeakable things… his son would recover the pain quickly and not carry the emotional scarring that I would. I’m not safe.
I stop my daily ritual pacing and slump down on my bed, aware Vanka has come in, grabbed some belongings and left again. She too is keeping her distance since the turning. It seems my public shaming with Colton put me in some kind of social outcast list, among even my own fellow unwanteds.
Not one of them has looked my way or talked to me in days. No one wants to know me or be seen associating with the girl who had the audacity to bond to someone way above her station. Especially not Prince Santo himself. Like I somehow orchestrated all this, and it wasn’t fate at all. Committed some kind of heinous sin that marks me as the lowest of the low, even in turns of being in this crappy home.
The only thing keeping me from being killed is the fact Colton will die if anyone touches me. I mean, I’m sure if I was cornered and attacked by someone it would affect him too, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the circling predators in this house. Most hate the Santo’s and any of the alphas for that matter because they know they will never be them, or match up to them, and jealousy and ego are a lethal combination. They won’t be hunted for inflicting pain on him, only if he dies.
I lie down on my bed, my stomach growling with hunger pangs while tying my insides in knots, but I just can’t seem to face eating. I try; I go down for allocated mealtimes, but I pick at my food and it all tastes like cardboard when I put it in my mouth. Nothing shifts this feeling, this deep emptiness creating a cavern inside of me and it’s bottomless and cold. The longer this goes on the worse it gets. The only thing my body craves and wants, it can’t have. I hate that he can mess me up like this, when we were strangers only days ago. It’s not fair!
I close my eyes and will myself to picture anything but him. Push the thoughts of him aside and try to bring forward an image of my parents instead, something I do when I need to self-calm or bring a happy memory into the depression of my daily life. I try to formulate my mother’s face, to bring me some comfort, but they are all becoming blurry faded pictures in the dark recesses. so that seeing them properly is no longer easy at all. Time is taking them from me, and I have nothing left of them in any form after the elders destroyed all links to our past dead.
I need to see you.
The familiar voice comes out of nowhere, inside my head and I jump at the intrusion, having a minor heart attack as my beat elevates crazily. Sitting up fast and spinning my head around to scan my room as if he is going to be standing right here. I know his voice well enough; I hear it in my dreams any time I sleep, and my body tingles in response at the contact, goosebumping all over instantly. Insides tingling with anticipation of seeing my mate again. I miss him beyond words, even if it’s insane to do so.
Where are you?
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