I can’t even be mad at that, because I’ve no idea what’s coming with this war, or what his mom went through ten years ago, but he does. He fought on our lands as a warrior, defended us from smaller invasions, as an adult should even though he was only a child. He’s seen the reality of what’s coming and still bears the scars.
I think I have the strength and courage to deal with it, but maybe I’m just a child with a stubborn head, and a foolish heart, who thinks the fates would never steer her wrong. Maybe I’m the delusional one, grasping at hopes and being ridiculous. I have no words and my hand slides back into my lap with the weight of realization punching me in the gut. Screwing me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.
“Now do you understand? …. Love, it’s not the issue. I’m yours, heart and soul, every beat just for you.” Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping mine in his, but failing to warm the icy cold seeping through me with his touch. A sad desperation in the air as I nod hopelessly, accepting the real truth as it stretches endlessly between us, like a gulf we can never cross. Head filled with so much, and yet my heart empty, desolate, as numb overtakes me to save me from the pain it can’t deal with.
There isn’t an answer to this, a way out, a ray of hope in the dark. The fates, they should never have let any of this happen to either of us. I love him, but I’m not enough.
Time
It’s been a few days since Colton told me about his mom and I swear she keeps plaguing my thoughts. It’s like a tiny itch in my brain I can’t shake, and I keep coming back to it repeatedly for no obvious reason. I even dreamt of her last night, and it was the weirdest most confusing thing ever. It came after I finally located a memory of her in this shared library of thoughts and couldn’t shake her soft face from my visuals. I must have tried too hard and implanted her in my brain to mess with me, it’s the only explanation.
I do remember her vaguely without Colton’s influence, only in my own memories she’s faceless, because I couldn’t remember her all that well, so it’s nice to apply features to her. She has Colton’s flawless beauty, his black hair, darkest chocolate eyes, and sallow skin, with a soft ambience that’s less masculine than his.
She used to come to the library near our farm every weekend to read books to the children. I remember her being a caring quiet lady, well spoken, well dressed, and she had no prejudices whatsoever against wolves from rival packs, the children were all one to her. She always wanted to see us live in peace and harmony, and she had this warm pull that I see in Colton sometimes, when he isn’t closing up on me and freezing me out.
The dream lingers in my mind, despite being up for hours, and now, I’m sat on the grass taking a break from training and can still feel her voice ebbing back to me from the recess of my mind. Fatigue letting it slip back in as I cool down and catch my breath, and her haunting melodic tone, filled with pleading, rings through again, the words which woke me this morning.
“Save us.”
It’s all that comes through and it gives me the same shivers it did when I dreamt it. She walked up to me, in a bright white, sterile, wall less space, with no one else around me but blurred nothingness of light and stale air. Standing in the middle of what felt like a hospital, I don’t know, unsure where I was meant to go or how I even got there. Confused.
She appeared in the distance at first, catching my eye, almost hazy and surrounded by a fog which cleared as she came closer. Dressed in a light shapeless gown, almost like a medical covering, except it was pure snow white, not blue, or patterned. Her hair was loose, free, and hung longer than I can recall from my memory bank, almost touching her waist, whereas she always kept it jaw length in even Colton’s memories.
When she came into focus at first, I could see her cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blood shot, her skin streaked where they had fallen repeatedly and her smock was soaked through, as though they’d been absorbing thousands of them, for an eternity. Her desperate sadness consumed, and overwhelmed me, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to breathe with the heaviness of her pain.
She was eerily pale, beautiful still, but only the shadow of the woman from Colton’s memories, thin and worn down, as though her life was being sucked away. She touched my face softly, startling me with the sheer heat she exuded, leaned in so close that she almost kissed me, her warmth invading the coolness of my own air and whispered it right into my face, startling me to wake in the dull stillness of my own room.
Those two damned words.
Shuddering again, aware the memory of her touch on my skin has pushed a physical sensation on my cheek, and I touch it in a bid to remove the feel of it. The dream felt so real and I hate that it won’t leave me alone in waking hours, replaying on a loop, and affecting me so deeply. The total opposite to Colton though, as he’s been practically absent, physically, and mentally.
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