“Not a second apart since I fell head over heels for that asshole. He drives me crazy; you know. When we fight, damn do we fight. It’s not pretty, but I would die without him. Literally, given, you know… marking and all.” Meadow laughs lightly through her weary tears, and I smile at her humor and her attempt to make light of this. This is one of the reasons I love her so much. “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so damn much; it wasn’t just imprinting… I always had such a crush on him, even before I turned. He’s my stability, my rock, my safe place. Cesar is my
Papi, and my heart doesn’t beat when he’s not here.” Cesar is all of those things to the pack too. Always mature, parental, solid, and unwavering, and I could see how the fiery Latinos could be insane when they clashed. Meadow’s temper and Cesar’s aggression, which he has shown on the battlefield many times. I bet they clash like thunder and lightning, sparking the air around them and self-combusting with the boom. Probably in the same way they meet in passion and why they still act like hazed lovers after years of being mates. What they have is rare.
“Colton is my everything too. There’s no life without him. We can’t fail.” We both fall silent once more, both sharing the bittersweet pain and lost in the same agony of reality, pining yet unable to do anything about it.
The fog is still out there, hanging like an unwanted smell around our land, cloying and clinging to everything we can see, and I let out a breath in exasperation.
“How did the spell work on the truck go with Sierra?” I left them to it this evening while consoling many people in the town hall when I brought them up to speed on what was happening. Never in my life had I been more crushed with the weight of responsibility than in that moment when I realized without Colton here, all hopes, and eyes, were pinned on me to lead.
As Luna I become alpha in his absence and it hit me fully when standing up on that podium and trying to reassure them, that we have a plan, and we are going to get through this. I had to be stronger than I felt. I had to be Colton! Emotionally calm, stable, sure in my wording, and remain confident in whatever I was saying, even though it was a million miles away from what I was actually feeling. The pressure bearing down on me of expectant eyes and expectations that I would be able to stand up and do it without him.
It terrified me. The what ifs. The glimpse of a future I might have to bear if we can’t break this spell and the pack’s entire needs and direction were laid on my head. I don’t know if I have it in me to be what he is. I don’t know if I can lead these people long term, yet I have no choice. I am what they have and now I understand fully why Colton always doubted and second guessed himself so brutally all his life. Why he always felt he wasn’t enough, and I realize I’ve stood behind his shadow and been under just as much protection as they have all this time. I was a Luna sure, but I never had to really command while he always protected me.
I know why he feels like he isn’t doing enough, when all I felt standing there was the same damn thing. I felt inferior and like a failure.
“The sun is almost down; we should go to bed. Try and sleep. We have an early rise and a long drive if we get out of this place in one piece.” Meds cuts into my thoughts and brings me back from the dark recesses of my mind that was starting to bring back that weight of despair. I need to not let myself ponder.
“You’re right. We should try.” Even if I already know it won’t happen, maybe I can give Meadow the sense of companionship that she may sleep. She needs it more than me if she intends to drive us seven hours across country without stopping.
I follow her when she moves and she stops at the bed and stares at it for a long moment, somehow lost in thought or memory and a tear rolls down her cheek.
“Meds?” I walk to her, but she shakes her head and inhales heavily.
“He asked me if I still loved him as crazily as when we first imprinted last night. Lying in bed, in his arms. It’s like he knew something was wrong and stupidly thought it was that. He said he felt like things were off, not with us, but in general and he had a sense of foreboding that was suffocating him. Of course, the first thing that comes to mind for Cesar, is us…. if we fell apart, so would he. So, he asked me, and I…… I told him he was stupid, and to stop talking loco. I could have just told him yes, and that I love him more than ever, but I didn’t. I was sassy, I gave him attitude, because he woke me up and I was snappy, because I’m hormonal as hell. A moody bitch, what with the blood moon coming and now….. what I wouldn’t give to have him laid in bed and asking me that stupid question all over again.” Meadow breaks, her voice cracking, her body heaving, and the tears start to fall at speed while I instinctively go to her. Pulling her into my embrace protectively. Pain eating me up inside for my own feelings as well as taking on some of hers.
“He knows you love him. Cesar is one of the most loyal, happiest wolves in the pack. He can never keep his hands off you, Meds. Don’t think this way, it’s only hurting you,” I try to console her, but she shakes her head, acting like a lost child and suddenly so young and fragile in my arms.
“I give him such a hard time. I’m always giving him attitude. I should be sweet talking my man, and sexing him up anytime he cuddles up, right? I don’t. I’m moody and harsh and I push him around because he lets me. I’m jealous, and possessive, and bossy as hell. He’s the best thing in my life and I take him for granted and make life harder for him.”
“Meds, this is guilt talking, and despair. Cesar knows you love him. Your relationship is normal and healthy. You do give him love and affection. I’ve seen it on multiple occasions, and damn girl, that jealous streak when a chola, as you call them, makes eyes his way. I think he more than knows that you need him to survive. Cesar doesn’t stop how you are because he likes it.” She’s crazy not to know this. Cesar worships the ground she walks on. He literally lights up when she strolls in the room, and he never rejects her touch or her affections. He’s quiet, less vocal about his love, but it’s so obvious to everyone that she is his Queen. He patrols by her side, sticks to her like glue, and beams proudly when she handles things herself and shows how tough she can be.
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