“Okay beautiful, you go to sleep. You will stop hurting then. There is nothing to be sorry for. I love you.” I whispered, knowing she was already going. She was likely already going the moment she screamed my name. And the pain filling my body is the worst pain imaginable. I was her mate. I was supposed to protect her and I had failed. I had failed in my duty as her mate, and it had cost my beautiful Isla her life. I had lost my mate… my other half…when we had barely been given a chance to build our lives together. Zion is howling within my mind, as tears flow from my eyes, mixing with the blood upon the floor.
My heart is pounding within my chest as I sit up, sweating, tears dripping from my eyes as I wake up. That dream… no… more nightmare, again. The same one… reliving that day… over and over… it is what turned my life into a living hell. It is what makes it impossible to sleep. Fate blessed me when they gave me Isla, then cursed me by snatching her away. Cursed me to a life of misery and loneliness… reliving the pain of losing her. How was a man meant to live with that? Or his wolf?
After tossing and turning, for goddess knows how many more hours after my recurring nightmare, I had given up all hope of sleep finding me again. Though in some ways I think sleep was something I dreaded because it brought that vision over and over. It meant I had to lose Isla again and again. The pain had been the worst pain I could ever imagine. I, like so many others, had heard of wolves losing their mate and the damage it could do to them, but never thought much of it. Though, I suppose, as a young and carefree boy, enjoying my life and having fun, why would you?
But, at the age of seventeen, fate had decided that was what fate would be dealt to me. I was to discover exactly what the pain could be. Discover the agonizing sensation as agony rippled through my body as the matebond was torn from me. Experience exactly how torturous the loss would feel, and despite being surrounded by a pack, just how lonely you could feel when the one person destined to be by your side was no longer there. I had barely had a chance to develop a long-standing bond with my mate, but she was mine all the same. The connection was there, like it was with all fated mates. And losing her felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and shredded into pieces.
And now, near seven years on, I felt like I was still trying to piece it all together, and I still felt like there were pieces missing. Pieces of my heart are missing and pieces of me are missing. And these dreams… these visions, reliving it all meant I felt that pain… experienced it all… so often… too often… I could see how losing a mate could send a person to the brink of insanity. I think I may have verged upon that edge many times. I sometimes wonder if my own pack members question if I have already teetered over the edge. But, my focus in coping was my role as a Beta.
Soon after I lost my beautiful girl, Caleb became Alpha and I became Beta. It gave me a sense of purpose. I had a pack to be there for. I had failed my mate. I knew that, and would never forgive myself for that. But, I could be there for the people within my pack. And that is what I had tried to do. Doing so many more duties than were expected of me, just to keep my mind busy. But, in my own time, I was very isolated. I became withdrawn. But, that was what felt right. That was where I wanted to be. Alone.
I know I caused many concerns and rumors to be spread about my darkness and the fact I was so withdrawn. Living alone within the packhouse, now Caleb lived within his Alpha home with his mate and our pack Luna, only made the situation worse. But, I could not bring myself to live in my former Beta home that Isla and I had moved into when she had come to the pack. The home held too many memories. We had only been there a short time together, but it held memories of love. Hope. Excitement. Dreams of new mates and their future. The two of us together. Returning there alone after she had gone, it felt like the house was empty. Like something was missing. I couldn’t stay…
So, I had moved into the Beta suite within the Packhouse and I had stayed there. Our pack was unique in that it had many homes for all our pack members, so despite the bedrooms within the packhouse, they were not needed. There was nobody living in the packhouse now other than me. So, once the crowds from the day had left, it became quite lonely. But, I have to say I preferred it that way.
I had showered and sat myself in my office, coffee in hand, reading through files in preparation for my meeting later in the morning. Some she-wolf from a pack further out in the region, I believe, who my Uncle was suggesting as a potential teacher for the pack’s junior school. As much as I respect my Uncle, he had been drinking the night he was trying to suggest this woman to me, so I had decided it would be best to invite the girl to the pack for us to speak with her and come to our own conclusion on whether she would be suitable. I did not want just anyone being brought into the pack, no matter how desperate we may be.
“Good Morning handsome!” Eden greeted me, as she came into the office, Caleb holding the office door open for her, a smile upon his face.
“That is more than I got. She glared at me, and hissed that this was all my fault while she, in a far from lady-like manner, rolled out of bed.” Caleb laughed, and I held back the smirk playing on my lips. Eden had a habit of blaming her pregnancy discomfort on her mate.
“What he fails to mention is that he offered to give me a push!” Eden says, playfully ruffling Caleb’s dark hair.
I raised my eyebrows at him. “Well, you likely deserve everything you get.” I said with a shake of my head, trying not to laugh.
“Not like either of you have to go through this.” Eden argues, easing herself down onto the sofa at the edge of my office. “What time are our visitors from Lotus Shadow Pack arriving?”
“Honestly, she makes out like she is the first she-wolf to go through pregnancy and childbirth.” Caleb says with a shrug, and a wink in my direction, indicating he is being playful, but even I know he is asking for trouble. His mate is not going to appreciate the implication that she is not capable of pregnancy. Or that it is easy. I glance across to Eden and the angry look upon her face tells me she is ready to rip her mate apart. Hmm, yeah I don’t think I will get involved in this…
“They should be on their way anytime now for the interview.” I answered Eden’s question, choosing to ignore Caleb.
“Why are you interviewing them? We need a teacher, she is qualified and comes recommended from Alpha Isaak.” Eden questions, looking at me with confusion. This irritates me when she suddenly decides how I do things is not the right way, despite the fact I have been doing this job a lot longer than she has been here. And I have undertaken training to do my job, not to mention watching my Dad do the job for years as well.
“Oh, so you are happy to let anyone come into the pack without checking their details first? And I’m pretty sure Uncle Isaak was more than well gone on tequila when he was making that recommendation, so yeah I think we will do our own checks first.” I say, knowing I sound more than a little snappy, but being past caring. This has become a regular occurrence of late. But, I had little patience to deal with others. Everything they did simply irritated me. I prefer to be alone.
“Ash, no need to be like that.” Caleb says with a warning tone. Funny how he was being a dick with his mate a matter of minutes ago and now suddenly he is jumping to her defense. I simply shrugged in response.
“Well, they are on their way. An interview has been arranged. We will decide from there.” I said, standing from my desk, needing some fresh air before I said something I regretted.
I got myself ready to leave the house, dressed smartly in a pair of high-waisted, wide-legged, black trousers. With a simple white tank top. My long dark hair I chose to tame, so the curls were manageable, and I clipped the sides back from my face. I slipped on a pair of simple black heels to finish my outfit, along with simple but stylish make-up too. I needed to make a good impression. I needed a job. There had still been no responses despite all the applications I had sent out.
“You ready to go Bai?” My Dad called up the stairs, and I smiled. He was not wasting the opportunity to go and see his friend, former Alpha Isaak, again. After we had called the pack and requested an appointment to discuss the role of teacher in the pack, my Dad had messaged Alpha Isaak to let him know, and instantly he was invited to come along too. Personally, I think it was just my Dad’s way of coming along to keep an eye on me. Ever the protective father.
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