“Are you sad?”
I glanced at Vince, who gazed back at me with that placid expression of his. “Yes, Vince,” I said, barely able to keep from snapping at him. “But more than that, I’m angry.”
He nodded, looking as though he was discussing the weather outside rather than his best friend. “That’s good. If you’re sad and angry, it means you’re still alive.”
I let out a humorless laugh and glanced at Rasp and Delphine. They were nodding along. Vince’s statement, while simplistic, was accurate. Things could always be worse.
I leaned back in the leather chair. “I guess so.”
“Sweetie, you need to eat,” Delphine said, gesturing to the tray of food that sat on the desk. “You need your strength.”
“I’m not hungry,” I mumbled and continued running my finger along the wood.
The truth was, I was fucking starving, but eating-enjoying anything
-with Aurelius gone felt like some sort of betrayal. The fact that my body was rebelling against me and demanding I eat pissed me off. My rage was part of why these three were watching me like a hawk.
The night before, it had taken both the king and Vince to hold me back from trying to go back for Aurelius. I’d demanded a car, a team, weapons, but they’d stopped me. The pragmatic part of my mind knew it would be suicide to go back, but the emotional part had been thrashing and screaming deep in my subconscious for me to go to him, to do something to save him.
After everything had settled down, I’d been sent to my quarters. When Delphine fell asleep, I’d snuck out, trying to get to the garages on my own. It had been a last-ditch attempt to go back. Vince had been there, though, almost like he’d anticipated my arrival.
“Elle, you need to go back to bed,” he said sadly, stepping out of the shadows beside the garage, startling me.
“What? Why are you here?” I asked, pressing my hand to my chest in fright.
“There’s nothing we can do tonight. You know that.” He rocked gently back and forth and snapped that rubber band he always kept on his wrist.
“Okay. I won’t drive. You can fly me back. You’re the fastest flier in the whole castle, even faster than Aurelius. You could get me back in no time. We could?-“
“Can’t. No good. There’s only a twelve-percent chance they won’t be waiting for us to do something like that.”
“What?”
He stared up at the stars. “On top of that, my best guess is that we have a seven-percent chance to get in unseen. A four-percent chance of finding Aurelius before we’re discovered, and a less than one-percent chance to extract him and retreat. That’s assuming he’s not severely injured and incapacitated. If that’s the case, then the odds are low enough to be a fraction of a percent. Simple, really,” he added, tearing his eyes from the sky to look at me again.
My head swam. I was still angry and distraught from what had happened, and now I was trying to make sense of Vince, which could be difficult at the best of times.
“Where the hell did you get those numbers?” I asked, my determination waning.
He shrugged. “I like math. It’s like knots and puzzles. It makes sense in my head, you know? I estimated the number of security staff and servants at the Laurent household, my own abilities, what you’re capable of, along with?-“
“I get it,” I said, sadness and exhaustion threading through my voice.
In the moonlight, I’d been able to see tears in Vince’s eyes. Something was breaking within him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice thick with unshed tears.
“Why are you sorry?” I said, momentarily forgetting my desire to go on a suicide mission to bring Aurelius back.
“I should have saved him, but he made me give my word. I don’t really care about the odds. If it was nothing but numbers, I’d go right now. I’d try to save my friend, but he made me promise that I’d get you out alive and keep you safe.” His tears flowed freely then, a dam breaking from within the powerful and loyal man. “I can’t let you go. Not if I want to keep my word to Aurelius. Ican’t break a promise.
Ever.”
That had sealed it. There would be no returning to my family’s estate that night. Vince and I had walked back to the castle, both consoling each other. Now, he sat across from me with that same combination of stoicism and awkward aloofness. But I could see the haunted look in his eyes. The guilt was eating him up inside. Even more than Rasp, Vincent felt like he’d not done enough to save his friend.
“You sure you don’t want to eat something?” Delphine prodded.
“Fine,” I grumbled. I grabbed a ham-and-cheese croissant from the tray and nibbled at it.
“What should we do?” Rasp asked, looking at Vince.
“We wait.” Vince gently snapped the rubber band at his wrist. “That’s all we can do.”
Strange. It seemed Rasp was actually taking Vince’s lead. I’d seen the shift the night before, but I had been too distressed to give it much thought. Vincent had grown stronger, more commanding, even through his heartbreak and shame at leaving Aurelius. In all the time I’d known them, Aurelius had led their little trio, with Rasp as the second-in-command, while Vince was the quiet yet loyal third who followed them. Now, it looked like Rasp and Vince had traded places.
Standing, I took another bite of the pastry. “I’m going on a walk.”
“We’ll go with you,” Rasp said, leaping to his feet.
I gritted my teeth and fought back the urge to argue. The king had made his wishes clear. No one was to go after Aurelius. And after Vince had caught me the night before, I was sure he and Rasp would be keeping a close eye on me.
“Fine,” I muttered.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Delphine said as I stepped out.
“I will.”
As I wandered the halls aimlessly, my two shadows tailing close behind, I tried to imagine ways Icould save Aurelius, each one more fantastical and ridiculous than the last. Maybe I could find some old magic in the castle that would let me grow dragon wings to fly to him; I could try to figure out how to use hypnotism to get Vince and Rasp to go along with my plan; I could try selling my soul to the devil.
Tossing the rest of the croissant into a waste bin, I let out a sigh of disgust. It was all pointless. Not only did I have no way of getting to Aurelius, but even if I got there, I couldn’t shift. I had no internal animal, nothing to give me that extra boost I would need to save him. That thought alone pissed me off. I’d learned long ago to believe I was enough even without an inner wolf, yet here I was, once again thinking I was broken in some way. It irritated me beyond belief.
In the spirit walk Jolon had led me through-before his murder-I’d come to grips with all of that. I’d come out of it renewed and rejuvenated in my understanding that I was complete without a wolf. Somehow, through the shitshow Bastien had orchestrated, I’d slipped back into those old feelings of inadequacy again.
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