I heard them talking that night as I lay awake thoughts swirling in my head.
I felt as if I’d lived so many fragments of a life and I wanted something that felt like it could last.
(Willa)
The next day I set off, taking the car that was parked in a clearing behind our cottage. It made getting groceries back a nightmare but we also started to garden and make as much as we could from the land to help limit the trips.
I wondered if I could find a place with a garden for Emmett in the future. I knew better than to think I could find a place by myself with any outdoor space starting out. That thought made my stomach clench, I hoped I was doing the right thing for him.
I didn’t really know where I was going, how did you even go about finding a job and an apartment in the real world?
All I knew was the address of the community college in the city. The classes were cheap enough, compared to a four-year university and I could start there. Maybe take two or three classes over the summer to dip my toes into different things and then hopefully have a better understanding of what I liked.
It was as good of a place to start as any. If I could sign up to some classes then at least I knew the area where to start looking for a job without any qualifications, and an apartment, without any money because I didn’t have a job.
I took a deep breath, one thing at a time.
I found parking and checked myself in the mirror, I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup, and even with wearing mascara it seemed to brighten my face in a way I almost didn’t recognize.
I knew it didn’t matter, they wouldn’t reject me because of how I looked. My grades spoke for themselves and it was open enrollment after all.
The building was on the West side of the city, old red brick would have been more stately if it wasn’t faded with age. The buildings around it made it look even older. They were taller and outfitted in the same grays and massive windows that the rest of the city seemed to favor.
I decided I liked the way this building stood out, and I would take any sign, however small, that I was making the right choice.
Walking in, the fluorescent lights felt jarring. A group of people, younger than I imagined were sitting behind a table covered in a thin plastic tablecloth. Bright yellow and blue brochures and pamphlets lined the table.
“Hi,” My attention snapped to a girl that couldn’t have been older than me with sandy blonde pulled back into a ponytail. Her smile was wide and seemed genuine, “What can I do to help?”
“I’m just here looking to see if there are any classes that might be a good fit. I, uh, I took some time after high school and I’m not sure what I’m interested in,” I admitted honestly, walking across from where she sat behind the table.
“Then you’ve come to the right place.” She handed me a few things, and a thicker course book, “I would recommend starting with a class you think you would be interested in and then one you don’t. I know it sounds weird but you’d be surprised how many people think they dislike something just because they did in high school,” She shrugged, her infectious smile never leaving her face.
“I think I love that idea,” I smiled back at her.
“Good, you can talk to some of the professors. They are holding open hours for the next two hours.” She motioned to a hallway to her left, “Come back if you need anything.”
“Thank you,” I clutched the papers to my chest and walked away, wanting to read through them first.
“Well, she was peppy.” A red-headed girl fell into step next to me, I almost jumped not noticing her before.
I smiled, “She seemed nice,”
“I wish I could have that enthusiasm, for, well, anything,” She shrugged giving me a wry smile that felt familiar.
“Same,” I admitted, I felt my enthusiasm for things differently these past few years.
“Cali,” She put her hand out, “My mom named me Calista, for no apparent reason,” She snorted, I liked her, “So I chose Cali, partially out of spite.” She gave me a half smile.
“Willa,” I grasped her warm hand in mine, “You want to hear something worse than Calista?”
Her eyebrow shot up.
“Willhemia, that’s my name,”
She stared at me, warm Hazel eyes studied mine flecked with gold and green before she barked a laugh.
“Okay, okay, you win,” She motioned to a bench behind us and I followed her lead as she sat, tucking her red curls behind her back.
We both flipped through the course catalog, she handed me a pen after seeing me dog-ear some of the pages.
“Is this your first semester?” I asked her after going through the courses three times.
“Yeah, figured I would try something different. I had a bit of a situation during high school and finally completed my GED,” She looked at me, “Years later,” She added deadpan but with a half smile.
“Same, kinda. I took some time away after graduating and want to figure out what I want. I was hoping today would give me some clarity, but it just confused me more. Everything sounds interesting, I want to do it all.”
“I wish I had that problem, all of this bores me. I’ve been working at this diner, okay, they don’t want us calling it that, but it is what it is,” She rolled her eyes leaning back, “I just want something more stable, I have a daughter, she’s almost four and it’s for her.”
I studied her, something in her face seemed to soften at the mention of her daughter. I understood the reason she didn’t finish high school.
“I’m sure you’ll find something you like to do and makes money,”
She snorted, “That’s the dream.” She collected her things standing up, “Do you live near here?”
I shook my head, “This is the first step, then have to figure out the whole job, daycare, and living situation.” Not to mention choose a career, study for that career, and get a long-term job in said career.
She looked me over once more, “I’m not sure about any apartments going but I might be able to help you with the other two.”
A week later everything was packed up and Emmett and my things were loaded into my dad’s car. They would come back for the rest of their boxes once I was fully established, or as much as I could be.
I looked back at the cottage one last time. It was a shell of what it was only a week before. The windows were closed up and boarded shut, making the bright cottage seem dark.
All of the small personal touches we added over the years were in boxes leaving the bare bones of the space left.
It reminded me of when we got here when I was broken and pregnant. Over the months and years we made this place home and I, along with the cottage, grew into something new and less hollow.
I shut the door behind me, taking one last look, not wanting to memorize this moment.
“Mama,” Emmett’s little voice made me turn and I scooped him up, “Where are we going?” He asked for the hundredth time.
“On an adventure,” I smiled at him kissing his nose.
“Are we leaving forever?” A small frown crossed his face.
“No, baby. We can always come back. We’re going somewhere new to make friends and meet some new people. Doesn’t that sound good?”
He shrugged and buried his head into my chest, he was getting so big, and carrying him was sometimes a struggle but I savored these moments when he still felt like a baby.
I rubbed the back of his head and held him to me, wanting to protect him from everything, and knowing I couldn’t.
“This is it,” My dad pulled up outside a building that was to be our new home.
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