Because going back to Damon would prove that I was still waiting for him. Still willing to be his backup plan, his second choice, the woman he settled for when his first option didn’t work out. It would show everyone – Shadowmere pack, Blackwood pack, myself – that I had no self-respect, no boundaries, no sense of my own worth beyond what he was willing to give me.
And more than that, it would be a betrayal. Of Kael, who’d fought five nightwalkers to save me. Of Nina, who’d spent a week training me, believing in me, treating me like I mattered. Of Eliza and the healers who’d worked tirelessly to keep me alive after the attack. Of every wolf in Shadowmere who’d welcomed me with open arms, who’d started calling me Luna before I’d even earned the title.
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, but they kept coming. Grief for the life I’d imagined with Damon. Anger at him for waiting so long to fight for me. Guilt for still feeling anything at all for a man who’d treated me so poorly for so long.
And underneath it all, fear. Fear that I was making a mistake bonding with Kael. Fear that I was using him to escape Damon rather than genuinely wanting a life with him. Fear that I’d never love anyone the way I’d loved Damon, that I was damaged somehow, broken in ways that couldn’t be fixed.
Did I love Kael? I’d told Damon I was falling in love with him, but had that been truth or just words meant to wound? I cared about Kael, certainly. Respected him. Admired his strength and dedication to his pack. Appreciated how he’d treated me with more consideration in a week than Damon had in years.
But was that love? Or was it just relief at finally being valued?
I didn’t know. And that uncertainty terrified me almost as much as Damon’s sudden declaration had.
The sound of small footsteps on the path behind me made me freeze. I quickly wiped at my face, trying to compose myself, but it was too late. A group of children – five of them, none older than eight – had already spotted me and were making their way toward the spring falls with the fearless curiosity of the very young.
“Luna Aria!” The smallest one, a girl with dark curls named Lily who couldn’t be more than five, called out cheerfully. “We’ve been looking for you!”
I forced a smile, though I knew my eyes were probably red and swollen from crying. “Hello, little ones. What brings you all the way out here?”
They clustered around me on the rock, their small faces a mixture of excitement and concern. Lily climbed right into my lap without hesitation, her trust in me absolute and unearned. The gesture made my throat tight with emotion.
“People are saying a bad man came to our borders,” an older boy named Thomas said, his brown eyes serious. “They said he tried to take you away. Is that true?”
Of course the children had heard. Pack gossip traveled faster than wildfire, and dramatic confrontations at the border were probably the most exciting thing that had happened in Shadowmere in months.
“It’s… complicated,” I started, unsure how to explain adult relationship drama to children so young.
“Was he really bad?” Lily asked, tilting her head up to look at me. “Like a villain in the stories? Did he want to hurt you?”
“No, he didn’t want to hurt me,” I said carefully. “He’s not a villain. He’s just… confused. And sad.”
“Why?” Another girl, Sophie, sat down next to me and took my hand. “Why would he be sad if he’s a bad man?”
ARIA
I took a deep breath, trying to find words that would make sense to them without exposing them to the messy reality of adult emotions.
“Do you remember when we talked about making choices?” I asked. They all nodded – I’d been teaching them basic pack ethics as part of my Luna training, simple lessons about kindness and responsibility. “Sometimes grown-ups make choices that seem good at the time but turn out to hurt people. The man who came today – his name is Alpha Damon – he made some choices that hurt me. Not on purpose, but because he wasn’t thinking about how I might feel.”
“That’s mean,” Lily declared with the absolute moral certainty of a five-year-old. “You’re supposed to think about other people’s feelings. That’s what you taught us.”
“You’re right, it is mean. But the thing is, now Alpha Damon realizes his choices hurt me, and he wants to fix it. Except it’s too late to fix some things. Do you understand?”
Thomas nodded thoughtfully. “Like when I broke Sophie’s favorite doll and said I was sorry, but the doll was still broken? And she said sorry wasn’t enough?”
“Exactly like that,” I said, surprised by how apt the comparison was. “Sometimes sorry isn’t enough to fix what’s been broken. Sometimes we have to accept that we can’t go back to the way things were before.”
“Is that why you were crying?” Sophie asked, her small hand squeezing mine. “Because you’re sad that things are broken?”
I hadn’t realized how perceptive children could be. They might not understand the complexities, but they could read emotions with startling clarity.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I’m sad about things being broken. But I’m also happy about new things that are being built. Does that make sense? Being sad and happy at the same time?”
“Like when my grandpa died,” another boy, Marcus – named after one of the elders – said quietly. “I was sad he was gone but happy remembering all the fun times we had together. Mama said that’s okay, to feel both things.”
“Your mama is very wise,” I said, my heart aching for this small boy who’d already learned about loss. “That’s exactly what I mean. I’m sad about what I lost, but I’m happy about what I’m gaining here in Shadowmere. With all of you, and Alpha Kael, and everyone who’s made me feel welcome.”
“We like having you as our Luna,” Lily said firmly, snuggling deeper into my lap. “You tell good stories and you don’t get mad when we ask too many questions and you helped heal Alpha Kael when he was sick. You’re going to stay, right? You won’t leave with the bad man?”
The certainty in her voice – the assumption that I belonged here, that I wouldn’t abandon them – made my decision crystallize with sudden clarity.
I couldn’t go back to Damon. Not just because it would be wrong, but because these children trusted me. Because Shadowmere had given me something I’d never had in Blackwood – a place where I mattered, where my presence made a difference, where people had faith in me even though I was still figuring things out myself.
“I’m staying,” I said, and felt the words settle into my bones like truth. “I made a promise to this pack, and I keep my promises. In two days, I’m going to bond with Alpha Kael and become your Luna officially. Nothing is going to change that.”
“Good,” Thomas said with satisfaction. “Because Alpha Kael is way better than some mean Alpha from another pack. Alpha Kael saved you from the nightwalkers, right? He’s basically a hero.”
“He is a hero,” I agreed, meaning it. “He fought five nightwalkers all by himself to keep me safe. That’s what a good Alpha does – he protects his pack, even when it’s dangerous.”
“And you’re going to protect us too, right?” Sophie asked. “That’s what Lunas do?”
“That’s exactly what Lunas do,” I confirmed. “My job is to take care of this pack, to make sure everyone is safe and happy and has what they need. Just like Alpha Kael does, but in different ways.”
“Will you still teach us stories?” Lily wanted to know. “Even after you’re officially Luna?”
“Of course. Being Luna doesn’t mean I stop spending time with you. It just means I’ll have more responsibilities. But you all are part of those responsibilities. Taking care of the pack’s future means taking care of you.”
They seemed satisfied with that answer, their initial concern about the “bad man” fading into typical childhood chattiness. They started telling me about their day – the games they’d been playing, the frog Thomas had found by the stream, the new dance Sophie was learning from her mother.
I listened, letting their innocent joy wash over me like a balm. This was what I was choosing. Not just Kael, not just escape from Damon, but this – a pack that needed me, children who trusted me, a community that had welcomed me without reservation.
Damon had offered me a dream I’d been chasing for years. But Shadowmere was offering me something real. Something I could build with my own hands rather than hoping someone else would hand it to me.
“Luna Aria?” Marcus asked after a while. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Are you scared? About bonding with Alpha Kael? My older sister says bonding ceremonies are really important and sometimes scary.”
I thought about lying, about telling them I was perfectly confident and unafraid. But children deserved honesty, within reason.
“A little bit scared,” I admitted. “Not of Alpha Kael – I trust him. But scared of doing a good job, of living up to what the pack needs from their Luna. It’s a big responsibility.”
“But you’re really good at it already,” Lily protested. “You’re nice and smart and you remember everyone’s names and you helped make Alpha Kael better. I think you’re going to be the best Luna ever.”
The fierce loyalty in her young voice made my eyes sting with fresh tears – but happy ones this time.
“Thank you, sweetheart. That means more to me than you know.”
“And Alpha Kael likes you,” Thomas added with the blunt certainty of childhood. “I can tell. He looks at you the way my papa looks at my mama. Like you’re special.”
Did he? I’d felt Kael’s protectiveness through our bond, his determination to keep me safe. But did he actually care about me as a person, or was I just a solution to his pack’s leadership problem?
I thought about how he’d fought the nightwalkers without hesitation. How his first thought when dying had been to make sure I was safe. How he’d respected my need for space after the confrontation with Damon instead of demanding I stay and explain myself.
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